By nature, I suppose you could say that I'm a "people-pleaser". Or, at least I used to be. For the majority of my life, my main concern was that I do things that wouldn't upset anyone and allow me to fly just below the radar. If I could do something that would gain someone's approval and not cause trouble, that's what I would do. More than anything, I wanted to be accepted and loved by people. For a number of reasons, I had an incredibly low self-image, always believing that the people around me were inherently better than I was. I was inferior, because I believed that I was. Acceptance was akin to a drug to me and I craved it from those that I deemed to be of a higher caliber than me. Living under my own microscope, I tried everything that I could to hide the "real" me, and became a shallow facsimile of the original person that God had created. This manner of living becomes more and more difficult to maintain as time goes on, as cracks in your fake exterior continually need attention and repair, always fearing that people will find out who you "really" are. I remember the anxiety that I always felt when I thought my friends would find out just how poor we were, how dysfunctional my family was, how afraid of my environment that I was. If they only knew, then I would lose their friendship and I would be alone. It seems silly now, but that's how I felt while I was growing up. It was real to me, and your own reality is based on what you believe.
The truth was, most of the people that I loved and who loved me back already knew what my life was really like. And they cared about me in spite of my perceived failings. If only had known what my real worth was at a younger age, maybe my self-perception would have developed differently. Maybe it wouldn't have taken so long for me to discover who I really was. I've often wondered how my journey would have been altered with a more favorable personal evaluation. Hmmm...
The good news is that Jesus changed my life and gave me a new outlook that including hope, contentment and boldness. No more debilitating fear to hold me back. No more emptiness, but now a deep sense of purpose. I now understand Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT)
There is incredible freedom in knowing who you are in Christ. Free to be who God created you to be. Free to have an opinion that has value. Free to realize that you don't have to please everyone to please God. That's where I am right now, understanding that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to make everyone happy, even if I'm their pastor. There are those that might never see me as their version of a "perfect pastor" and that's OK! As long as God is satisfied with what I do, then I can rest easy at night. That's what we like to call "peace". And it's a good place to be.
At least that's what I think. What about you?
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